Competitive kindergartens are exactly what the nomenclature implies. Catering to the financial and – much less popularly – intellectual elite, they boast a few spots that send shockwaves of stress and anxiety through parents hoping to give their children an academic edge. And, of course, the secondary benefit of allowing them bragging rights and the clearance to look down upon the plebian masses with much laughter and mirth. Documentarian Pamela French shot an extremely revealing series on the intense pressure involved in landing a spot at such an exclusive educational establishment. Titled Getting In…Kindergarten, it showcased the madcap dash that ensues when parents attempt to ensure the best possible early education for their children – which bears a startling resemblance to the college admissions process.

1. Parents genuinely think that a rejection letter means their child will fail.

Acceptance into competitive kindergartens occasionally gets so cutthroat, many parents end up in a quagmire of anxiety that entirely eclipses all rational thought. They seem to pine more for the bragging rights and social status such institutions afford rather than the genuine well-being of their children, as evidenced by their perceptions of what rejection letters really mean. Instead of seeing them as merely a setback, these moms and dads give into unadulterated crazy and start assuming that little Dakota and Muffy will end up as emaciated crackheads turning tricks in dark alleyways before their 12th birthdays. And all because St. Exclusive’s of the Platinum Meadows didn’t consider them the right fit for their kindergarten program. This is an exaggeration, of course. But then, so too is their lack of perspective on what elements genuinely facilitate later success in life.

2. Even public schools sometimes hinge on IQ tests.

To expedite the process of landing a spot in a kindergarten, some parents hope to cram their children into one of the few spots available for the gifted and talented – and this goes for public and private institutions alike! Considering how competitive these schools can get, being labeled a member of the GT community (or at least in the top 10% of the kindergarten-aged population) affords a much higher chance of scoring a coveted spot in an early education class. The plethora of ethical questions regarding discrimination aside, IQ tests are not exactly the best way to gage a child’s potential performance – and many schools require up to 3 before considering an application! Some particularly brilliant youngsters may not exactly feel like sitting down for a standardized rap session with a psychologist, pencil and a sheet of paper and do poorly, thus squelching their chances of entering into a program that may actually meet their needs – which then runs the risk of later behavior problems when classes fail to truly engage them. Basically, the IQ system is really little more than a cluster bombing of accomplishing absolutely nothing at all while still pretending like it does.

3. Parents and kids must submit to interviews.

Not only do many competitive kindergartens specifically request a formal interview with a child, they also want to hear from their parents as well! As with the aforementioned example regarding the IQ test, kids can be somewhat unpredictable. Even the well-behaved ones frequently operate more on emotion than logic – a real charmer around friends and family may fall victim to a sudden shyness when speaking with an admissions counselor and blow his or her chances of landing a coveted position. Oftentimes, though, parents grow just as anxious of an upcoming kindergarten interview as their progeny! The whole process places undue stress on adults and children alike when, in reality, their energies are best channeled towards ensuring a worthwhile education rather than an exclusive one. Contrary to popular belief, the 2 terms are not mutually exclusive!

4. Some families get coached.

Whether assisted by their preschool instructors or foisted onto a private tutor, some of the kindergarten-bound with particularly wealthy, paranoid parents receive coaching in how to earn an acceptance letter from an institution of their choice. Catering to the desires of adult and child alike, they painstakingly edit admissions essays and proffer advice on how to survive the intense barrage of tests, interview, school visits and all the other components of applying to a competitive kindergarten.

5. Many schools require entrance exams.

Competitive kindergartens desire the best of the best that the Spongebob Squarepants-loving, bedwetting, darkness-fearing demographic has to offer, and what better way to separate the wheat from the chaff than with the homogenizing standardized tests that eventually come to dominate their later educational pursuits?! Never mind other performance-determining factors such as exhaustion or anxiety – a failed exam means a failed individual! Crank up the stress affiliated with the SAT to 11 and there are the entrance tests to get into kindergarten. Unsurprisingly, businesses have popped up intending to profit on this phenomenon. Charging over a hundred – if not much more! – dollars for every study session, they dedicate their time to teaching these very young children the right skills needed to pass their entrance exams. Children who pretty much have to sacrifice their natural energy, imagination and curiosity in order to spend hours in a classroom studying. And to think Americans always sound appalled when they read about Japanese cram schools…

6. Tuition costs can end up in the 5-figure range.

Some of the more elite competitive kindergartens out there charge $30,000 or more a year for tuition. Essentially, Mommy and Daddy are shelling out what amounts to a college degree for their little gilded muffins – if not 2 or 3, depending on the institution of higher learning and education level in question. Because – and this is important – attending the most elite and expensive kindergarten possible is seriously the difference between getting into Harvard, Yale or Rice and whittling away the future as a train-hopping hobo straight out of an old silent film. Or, even worse, a student at a state college. Oh, the humanity!

7. Financial Aid is available.

For families not privileged with an income conducive to forking over the price of a black market kidney, scholarships and Financial Aid plans are frequently available for qualified families. Depending on their needs, these can come as either handouts or loans that eventually need paying. Get those kids started early on figuring out the harsh realities behind the high cost of a college education – in kindergarten! It is never too early! Parents may be able to pay off the debt before it comes time to pay for the bachelor’s degree. Because if one cannot earn status, he or she may as well pay for the illusion and face the financial consequences later.

8. Parents and children aren’t the only children under stress.

Understandably, with stakes so high it comes as no surprise that parents and children alike end up battered by an overwhelming tidal wave of stress just to land a spot at a prestigious kindergarten. But they do not fly solo in this regard. The faculty and staff of their respective preschools also find themselves traipsing about in a state of heightened anxiety as well. Their reputations almost entirely hinge on whether or not they send students on to competitive schools, so they certainly have plenty to worry about when it comes to the extensive application process as well.

9. Nobody applies to just one school.

Getting Junior into an elite, competitive kindergarten oftentimes requires as much hard work and effort as a part-time job. This can easily be attributed to the fact that the process for even one school requires a battery of tests, interviews, visits and paperwork – but no parent who believes that his or her child will utterly fail at life should a rejection notice turn up in the mail only applies to 1! As with jobs and colleges, the savvy kindergartner must submit to multiple institutions in order to increase his or her chances of acceptance into an exclusive school. A system of tiered choices and “backup” options needs to be in place if a family wants to avoid associating with the untouchable riff-raff that inhabits the lower tax brackets. Fortunately for the discerning upper-crust family, more options exist than they may initially think.

10. Some mental health professionals think this is a good thing!

In her interview with Getting In…Kindergarten, psychologist Janet E. Jackson expressed her beliefs that the high-pressure situations related to kindergarten admissions are actually healthy. The parents, she believes, are the ones who allow themselves to become overwhelmed by anxiety. But the children apparently learn valuable life lessons by being forced through the educational wringer at a young age, most especially when it comes to understanding the nature of the cutthroat competition they will encounter later. Whether or not this actually rings true ought to be considered more on a case-by-case basis rather than painted in broad brush strokes as a healthy means of illustrating points.

Regardless of one’s perceptions regarding the intensity behind competitive kindergartens, almost nobody would dispute that the application process comes fraught with a veritable avalanche of stress and anxiety for parent, child and preschool professionals alike. It may or may not be healthy or motivated purely by what is best for a child’s intellectual and personal development, but it is what it is and one should look over all the myriad perspectives before coming to a decision.